You’ve heard about it. You’ve talked about it. And you might have even read a different blog about it, yet most of your life still looks pretty boundaryless. You say “yes” more often than “no” – all based on how you feel in that moment, instead of relying on pre-determined thoughts and values.
Is that really such a bad thing though?
Maybe not now, but it will be. Without healthy boundaries, you run a greater risk of becoming overextended and resentful, which can in turn lead to burnout.
In short, boundaries are more than a buzzword. They’re a necessary step when we take ownership of our lives. Each of us was created to steward certain tasks and responsibilities, but we were never meant to carry the whole world on our shoulders.
So, let’s move beyond the buzz to look at how you can appropriately apply boundaries to your life.
WHAT ARE BOUNDARIES?
At their core, boundaries are perimeters to mark where your responsibilities and limitations begin and end. They create space wherein you can acknowledge the thoughts and feelings of others, but not respond based on their behaviour. Instead, you can use your pre-determined boundary lines to guide you to make decisions more aligned with your own values, morals and needs. They define what you need to feel safe and secure.
Boundaries apply to various aspects of life and will look different in each of those areas. In other words, your boundaries at work cannot be duplicated for your home life. It’s important to consider how your responsibilities and limitations in each area differ.
WHY ARE BOUNDARIES SO IMPORANT?
If boundaries define what you need to feel safe and secure, setting boundaries is enforcing that safety and security. Boundaries protect your well-being by validating your own values and personal space. That means you can show up for those around you without compromising on your own needs.
They are not restrictive. They are a beautiful space to inhabit, until you cross the line.
That’s when we start feeling uncomfortable and acting indignant toward those we feel wronged us. Even when they don’t know they wronged us because we never defined or communicated our boundaries.
Because whether you set them or not, we all have intrinsic boundaries.
You can’t avoid the fear of rejection and emotional discomfort by side-stepping expressing your limits. It all comes around again, because when left unsaid something or someone will push you to the edge. Instead of a calm conversation, you’ll clumsily try to explain your resentment at the injustice of everyone taking advantage of your good graces. It’s messy.
Doing the work before the time is less messy. It’s still work and it’s still hard, but it’s necessary.
Your capacity to show up and give to others is finite. Make the effort to draw the line in the sand and define your boundaries before you overextend yourself. It’s essential for maintaining healthy relationships, preserving your well-being and taking responsibility for your own life.
HOW DO YOU SET HEALTHY BOUNDARIES?
You now understand that boundaries are your identified limits. It’s time to apply these through action and communication.
Boundaries: When to Say Yes; How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life by Drs. Henry Cloud and John Townsend delves deep into the practicality of setting healthy boundaries. It’s recognised for how it unpacks the necessity of boundaries existing in a well-rounded life.
The book presents a framework called the “Ten Laws of Boundaries”. These laws are principles that will help you effectively communicate and enforce your boundaries.
Our actions have consequences. When you own your choices and actions, you can create healthy boundaries leading to positive outcomes.
You are responsible for your thoughts and behaviours. If you neglect your boundaries, you cannot blame anyone for the consequences.
Power is given, not taken. Who are you willing to give power to? Take control over your life.
Value your needs, and you will be able to honour the needs of others. Mutual respect builds stronger relationships.
Boundaries set out of obligation crumble easily. Sturdy boundaries are driven by love and concern for both yourself and others.
Test your boundaries’ impact. Assess what works, what doesn’t, and adjust accordingly. Regularly evaluating your boundaries keeps them effective.
Take initiative and establish your boundaries before they can be violated. Set clear expectations and communicate them.
It’s easy to compare ourselves with others. Boundaries protect us against envy, and we can instead foster a robust self-esteem.
Healthy boundaries don’t just happen. They require active effort. Make the decisions, set the goals and have the conversations.
Be honest. Express your needs and limits and invite others to keep you accountable. Nobody grows in isolation.
By keeping these strategies in mind, you will be able to navigate relationships, work, and personal growth with more ease.
Boundaries can be transformative. It creates margin for you to experience hope, joy and freedom.